This statement, which comes up often in coaching, reflects the discomfort many managers feel when dealing with emotional challenges. While it is in fact an inherent part of their role, it is sometimes used as an excuse to avoid them.
Avoidance: a strategy to reconsider
Everyone knows that managers aren’t psychologists. It’s not their job to assess the psychological states of their staff, diagnose them, or provide therapy. However, just like psychologists, managers must navigate—and attempt to understand—the complexities of human behaviour.
A manager’s job, in part, involves inspiring their team, conveying meaning, creating alignment, communicating, mobilizing employees, resolving conflicts, managing change, and supporting people’s development. These responsibilities require them to understand people’s emotions and underlying needs.
It’s important to remember that emotions are universal. They constitute a psychological and physiological reaction to an event or situation. They are essential to our survival. Emotions help us adapt to our environment, communicate and collaborate with others, motivate ourselves, and contribute to the smooth functioning of our teams, organizations, and societies. They influence our decisions, choices, and behaviours. Whether we like it or not, they are an integral part of each of us, in all situations. It’s impossible to simply leave them at home before heading to work.
However, not everyone is comfortable in this arena. Some people find it easy to manage their emotions, while others may find it more difficult. But unless you fall among the 10% of the population who are affected by alexithymia (difficulty identifying, differentiating, expressing, and managing one’s own emotions and/or those of others), knowing how to manage your emotions is a vital skill to develop for a healthy personal and professional life.
A 2010 study by VitalSmarts[1] (now Crucial Learning) on the cost of conflict avoidance, conducted among 656 people, revealed that for every crucial conversation that was avoided, eight hours of work were wasted by the workforce and $1,500 was lost by the organization. In addition, 95% of respondents reported having trouble expressing their concerns.
[1] VitalSmarts. (2010). The Cost of Conflict Avoidance. Crucial Accountability. [https://www.norskstyrebase.no/uploads/9/4/6/7/9467257/005_cost-of-conflict-avoidance.pdf]
What is the extent of a manager’s role?
When a person experiences a change, expresses a concern, or experiences difficult emotions, either personally or professionally, they don’t expect their manager to take on the role of a psychologist. However, they can expect them to listen, show some interest, and empathize with what they are going through.
Thus, engaging leaders should demonstrate sensitivity, avoid judgment, be open to differences, and courageously face emotions rather than avoid them.
The most effective collaborative relationships aren’t rooted in transactional, role-to-role, manager-to-employee interactions; they are rooted in human-to-human, emotional being-to-emotional being interactions that are based on trust.
Among your friends and colleagues, whose leadership inspires you? Chances are, the leaders who inspire you are those who have become comfortable dealing with their own emotions and those of others.
How comfortable are you with emotions?
To determine how effective you are at managing emotions, take a moment to answer the following questions:
- Do I assess my own emotional state every day?
- How do I want people to feel when they’re around me?
- How can I inspire my team and my colleagues?
- How do I normally respond when someone becomes emotional at work (discomfort, annoyance, sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, sensitivity, etc.)?
- On a scale of one to ten, how would I rate my own emotional intelligence/emotional quotient (EQ), i.e. my ability to identify, understand, and manage my own emotions and those of others?
- Which emotions take me out of my comfort zone?
- Based on my answers to these questions, which areas should I focus on to have a greater impact on those around me?
Being a manager requires the ability to handle emotions. That’s why it’s important to raise your EQ in order to collaborate better, communicate better, inspire, and ultimately achieve better results. In this sense, being a manager does sometimes involve taking on the role of psychologist or, at the very least, being a highly empathetic listener.
References
[1] VitalSmarts. (2010). The Cost of Conflict Avoidance. Crucial Accountability. [https://www.norskstyrebase.no/uploads/9/4/6/7/9467257/005_cost-of-conflict-avoidance.pdf]
